You might be a writer if…well, there are just too many signs that you might be a writer, so this is the third edition, with even more tell-tale signs that you are a writer.

Jeff Foxworthy must be turning in his grave. Well, maybe not for a while (Sorry, Jeff). But here we go again, appropriating the style of jokes he pioneered with rednecks, and applying them instead to writers. You can read the first edition here, and the second edition here, and if you survive those and are ready to read the signs below, it simply proves that you are:

A. Dead, but just don’t know it yet.

B. A glutton for punishment.

C. A certified writer.

D. All of the above.

With apologies to rednecks everywhere, you might be a writer if…

If your nightmares usually involve being chased by a giant, crazed eraser, you might be a writer.

If you sometimes mix up the names of real people and characters in your manuscripts, you might be a writer.

If people in your neighborhood routinely refer to you as “that eccentric insomniac”, you might be a writer.

If you wear your underwear backwards so as to read the label on a moment’s notice, you might be a writer.

If you invent your own stories rather than read to your children at bed time, you might be a writer.

If the shapes you see in the clouds look like letters, you might be a writer.

If The Shakespeare Code is your favorite Doctor Who episode, you might be a writer.

If you don’t understand the concept of “packing light” for a trip, because books are not light, you might be a writer.

If you edit curses, you might be a writer.

Right now, I am editing a curse. #StrangeJobsWritersDo

— David Leonhardt (@amabaie) March 30, 2015

Strangely enough, I did find myself editing a curse, specifically this one. Now back to recognizing how to tell if you might be a writer.

If you prefer graffiti over expressionist paintings, you might be a writer.

If the library wi-fi password was long ago changed to your name, you might be a writer.

If your idea of hunting is the search for words in a Word Find puzzle, you might be a writer.

If you are still upset that the Wicked Witch of the West didn’t elaborate on her instructions in the sky, you might be a writer.

If you place in your children’s lunchboxes “little” notes that take ten minutes to read, you might be a writer.

If your job resume runs well into two dozen pages, you might be a writer.

If you like to carve more than just your initials into trees, you might be a writer.

If you like Joe Diffe because he sings about writing three-foot high letters on water towers, you might be a writer.

If the letters on your keyboard are mostly worn off – even the Q and the X – you might be a writer.

If you brave the threat of eye strain every day to save the word from incorrect conjugation, you might be a writer.

If you have ever read the Dictionary, The Bible or the Encyclopedia from cover to cover, you might be a writer.

If the local library has increased its acquisition quota to keep ahead of you, you might be a writer.

If you forget to bring sunscreen on vacation, but that’s OK, because you brought paper and pens, you might be a writer.

If you’ve ever stared at clouds and suddenly cried out, “I see a book!”, you might be a writer.

If ominous soundtrack music plays in your head when somebody says, “We need to talk”, you might be a writer.

If you have a favorite letter for each day of the week, you might be a writer.

If you describe your clothes using words like “amber” and “scarlet”, you might be a writer.

If you got all excited because you thought the name of the movie was Easy Writer, you might be a writer.

If you have ever argued that Superman is superior to Iron Man and Batman because he wears a letter on his chest, you might be a writer.

If you have ever written the International Olympic Committee, demanding that they include Scrabble as an official Olympic sport, you might be a writer.

If you consider yourself a tree hugger because that’s where baby books come from, you might be a writer.

If the mention of the word “septic tank” makes you think, “That’s a great idea for an article!”, you might be a writer.  Hey, it happened to me!

If you like to incite protests, because it means the lawn in front of the Legislature will be decorated with signs, you might be a writer.

If you groan when the road is blocked by a protest because most of the signs are misspelled, you might be a writer.

If you don’t use four-letter words because they’re simply not long enough for you, you might be a writer.

If you have ever been invited to frolic on a nude beach with the lady/man of your dreams, but declined because “I have some writing to do”, you might be a writer.

If you consider the voices in your head to be a career asset rather than a reason to panic, you might be a writer.

If “Will write for food” seems like a legitimate way to deal with world hunger, you might be a writer.

If your hand feels empty without a pen to keep it company, you might be a writer.

If you have ever wondered if the real reason dinosaurs are extinct is because they never learned to read and write, you might be a writer.

If you admire God most because The Bible is the biggest-selling book of all time, you might be a writer.

If you can locate on a map all the bookstores in town in under 15 seconds, you might be a writer. Or a cartographer; they’re pretty good with maps, too, you know.

If you found Lord of the Rings to be very long because you spent so much time trying to decipher Elvish grammar, you might be a writer.

If you have ever fought with the kids for control of the crayons at a restaurant, you might be a writer.

If you never lose your temper, but you do rage, seethe and bluster, you might be a writer.

If your “sleep walking” is really just a trip downstairs to scribble some notes that popped into your head while you should have been sleeping, you might be a writer.

If you would rather read or write about sex than practice it, you might be a writer.

If “Hemingway did it” is as good a reason as any to do something yourself, you might be a writer.

If you get all giddy waiting at the doctor’s office, because there is always so much new material to read, you might be a writer.

If you always read the fine print because any print is fine by you, you might be a writer.

If you think toilet paper has a second purpose, you might be a writer.

If you see the letter “K” instead of Orion when you look at the night sky, you might be a writer.